Consent, a Primer
As an intimacy coordinator, consent is foundational to the work that I do. I facilitate informed and continued consent, advocating and ensuring artists and productions know their rights. But what exactly is consent?
Let’s start with a definition:
“Consent n. : compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another ”
This definition boils consent down to mean giving permission, or agreeing to what someone else wants. Pretty limiting, right? Don’t get me wrong, permission is a part of consent, but it’s not the full concept. Planned Parenthood’s F.R.I.E.S. Model (Freely Given, Reversible, Enthusiastic, Specific), shows us that there are many more components to consent than just giving permission. People commonly use F.R.I.E.S. and other consent models (such as affirmative consent, no means no, authentic consent, enthusiastic consent…) when engaging in sexual activity.
Sexual activity is primarily the context of how we talk about consent. But what does consent look like outside of sex?
My own understanding of consent is heavily influenced by The Wheel of Consent and the work of Dr Betty Martin:
“I’d like to expand the definition of consent as being an agreement that two or more people come up with together. You don’t give consent, you arrive at consent—together.” — from The Art of Receiving and Giving
Consent is ultimately about choice, choosing and mutually agreeing on how we participate in any given situation. How we want to participate and how we are willing to participate.
Based on the situation and our ecology, our participation is going to look and feel different. What we are willing to engage in may change if we’re hangry, stressed, relaxed, or if we feel safe/unsafe. Our participation is also going to change based on our physical environment, whether we’re at work, school, on public transit, etc. It will change based on what’s happening in our communities, our governments, our institutions. As it should! The conditions that foster choice and consent are much more sweeping and nuanced than yes means yes, and no means no.
What I like about Martin’s definition of consent is that it applies not only to sexual consent, but to many different contexts. To work, to play, to creating art. It encourages mutuality, the understanding that each person, each party shares some part of arriving at consent.
Lastly, I want to acknowledge that choice is not shared equally. Choice is not always accessible to all, based on your identity, your environment, culture, social location, proximity to power, or just based on the context of the situation. Choice is not equally shared by all and as we mutually arrive at consent, it is important to keep those factors in mind.
How does this resonating with you? Reach out and let me know.