Sometimes not helping is the best help you can give…
Artists are helpers. A big component of storytelling is problem-solving, from engaging audiences, to figuring out how to creatively and effectively tell the story, to working with time and budgetary constraints. Efficiency, service, and productivity are prized in the commercial industry.
It can be an all hands on deck operation, especially in the theater where artists tend to wear multiple hats (producer/writer/choreographer/actor…). We are expected to quickly step up, step in, and fix any issue, be it our own or somebody else’s. And it feels good to help! Solving creative problems allows us to immediately see and feel our impact.
Yet one of my greatest learnings as an intimacy practitioner and artist, has been knowing when not to help others. Counter intuitive, right? Why would I let someone flounder when I see the solution and could fix it instantly? If I don’t help this person right away, what does that say about me?
Let’s look at it from a different perspective: Have you ever been telling a friend about a problem and they immediately start telling you how to fix it? They swooped in when you just wanted to vent. Even if their intentions come from a good place, those solutions might not have helped at all and you may think twice about going to this friend again!
In Motivational Interviewing, this is called The Righting Reflex, when we see someone else has a problem and we solve it for them automatically. The Righting Reflex is normal and comes from a genuine urge to help others. Yet if we solve someone else’s problem for them immediately, we rob them of their own learning.
For many artists, figuring out those creative problems is the fun bit! But if we help them automatically, we could be overriding their autonomy. It also puts pressure on us to always be ready with the “right” solution. We might even become hyper vigilant about seeking ways to “help” our collaborators.
Now, I’m not saying we cannot immediately fix problems. We can, especially when consent is present and/or if it’s a safety issue. Yet, we are more of service to others when we can discern if we’ve fallen into the Righting Reflex. And a great indicator of that is needing to help.
When we just have to help, often it’s because we find it hard to witness someone getting it wrong, hurting, being upset, etc. For anyone who is a self-identified helper, sensitive, or even just an empathetic human, it’s uncomfortable to watch people struggle. For some, it really stresses us out, especially if that person declines our offers to help!
If we need to mobilize and fix the situation (whether we’ve been asked to help or not), chances are we’re in a stress response. Stress narrows our focus so that our only option is to fix it; it gives us tunnel vision. Our “helping” then becomes more about us not experiencing that stress (aka what we need) rather than what the other person needs.
When we regulate our stress responses, even just a tiny bit, it opens us back up, allowing us to help others more effectively. Settling our stress responses increases curiosity, connection, and creativity. We can then choose how we help, by say listening, validating, or collaborating, rather than just fixing it. And our collaborators end up trusting us more!
Bonus points: we also decrease shame and judgment in the room. All creative processes involve struggles, conflicts, and discomfort. By not treating every struggle, frustration, or creative challenge as something in need of “fixing,” we can help normalize it as just part of the process. Takes the stigma out!
Building our own capacity to sit with discomfort is also integral to change work. Otherwise our urgency to “just fix it” can cause us to skip over necessary steps, such acknowledging and seeing the full scope of the problem. In order to get out of “fix it” mode and instill lasting, sustainable change, we must build that capacity.
Again, there will always be some situations where we will rush in to help others, particularly when it is a safety issue. But for those other times, rather than deciding automatically that we need to fix it for them, it may be that the best way to help someone is to just let them have their experience.